YES!

Another favillion years since writing.
things have turned around and I should be happy. Financial success...sort of, new love in my life: a damn fine person. Could it be that i'm used to alwasy feeling shty and know that it's never "really" going to get better? I am happy living on my own. I got time to do what ever I want which is: eat out, learn/play stupid songs on a myriad of instruments and have some minor laughs. Well what else...

this new gall has energy, is quick, positive, likes to laugh. I'm, in some ways, the opposite. She is fast moving, i'm slow moving. She's confident, i'm dubious. She likes to laugh, well I do to.

What else...started the banjo. haven't played much lately...haven't progressed any further.

watching myself get older, my parents get older, my nieces and nephews get older and smarter.

and i'm not moving, going anywhere....it's m'attitude dude.
just gotta do it, fake it. believe it like everyone else.


no new music in my life...some ultra-pop that the gal listens to...not my first choice but not my last. She really likes it and I do respect/love that.

hmr what else. not much doodlings. thing more about thinking and how it REALLY does affect the way I am. ok. night night.

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NO!

There was a gal I was involved with in a fucked up way -- I was her substitute boy friend while her real boyfriend was away flying helicopters in northern BC. She was always in the friends box for me...people talked, assumed. She made overtures. I played dumb. Time passed, more time together, dangerous crawling into various beds. After she told me it was over with her and her man we got involved.


She lied. She hadn't broken up with him. She had failed to tell any of her friends including her best friend? I got the sense that he has all her friends on strings, and she doesn't actually like her friends. She tolerates their company until she tires of them. She was also seeing someone else the time we were inolved. Everyone who saw us together emphatically stated how 'pefect we are for eachother' She was a perfect manipulator and my esteem was low and I let her. She went to Spain, got engaged to her boy friend, I ended it. told her no contact. Everythig's going her way and i'm happy for her. I'm not angry, not trying to punish her or prove anything. That relationship is simply of no use to me other that what I learned from the experience. Apparently they've broken up again. he's moved out. our mutual friend, my friend tells me she's carrying a fucking torch for me? I'm not going to get involved: she lied, she's a manipulator, I don't trust her, she charmed my friends, I'd be going backwards in my personal development. I don't want to go back to drinking botles of wine til 4 in the morning, not sleeping in bed and getting up at 7 so I can go to work or go for a run. I have a choice in the matter. Even if my reasons are invalid or can be argued away. I don't have to do it. NO!

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Attempting creativity today

Went to my fave coffee shop to do some doodling. Too many people. could not get a table inside also forgot my bike lock. Went home and scanned the last six months of sketches...not very many


Sketches Feb-Sept 09

Other plans for today: going to try and records something. we'll see how that goes.

Crypes. friends are telling me that someone is single and that I should get back with them or at least talk to them.

no

It's lunch time and I haven't eaten. I'm going to make a sandwich then play some music.

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hoppen in the sac too quick ? good Idea : bad idea

just going to start writing. Spent the night with the family. Ate a little too much, felt rushed when I left but I didn't want to stay there all night. Wanted an early night as i'm running aging tomorrow: 2 hours ...half marathon training.


I have this habit of not falling asleep untill midnight. Not feeling tired at the moment...well maybe a little. I'm feeling like I should write about something.

I joined a kind of dating club: 4plus4. a Dinner club really. been out for 2 dinners so far. observations:

lots of people seem quite socially inept. The come across that way. They seem impolite, don't know how to converse with strangers.

I'm beeing matched with people that are my own age (42 at the moment) and they seem old: divorced, kids (in their 20's), mortgage, car, average golf game. I just don't relate to them in the same way. I don't own a car or TV and have no interest in either. I 'should' be in the same place as them by now but i'm not. They are different from me. doesn't mean I can't find someone i'm interested in. so for that's not the case. I think i'd be more comfortable with someone younger who has not had that part of their life yet.

I've dated a couple of gals. I get a sense that their only too willing to hop in the sac without really getting to know me at all. Am I being to cautious? am I thinking about this shit too much. Well, It's how i'm choosing to do it now. Problem is when it comes to sex/getting physical I have a hard time initially. I know I want to, and it could be good but it likely can be that way with anyone. And it could lead to a realationship I don't want. some times I do think: man Trish should just have been the gal I was involved with, lived with and I never should have married her. She didn't seem that into me. hind-site is 20-20: I didn't trust my intuition.

people seem to hope into the sac too quickly. That's how I feel. I also think I have a hard time asking the real important questions and go on assumption or my own imagination.

for now my plan is to meet people, practice getting to know them, try asking the hard questions, play music, run, work, eat and sleep.

das it for now.

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Some things better some things the same

• Trying to look at things with a more sunny perspective.


• I'm grappling with people always have a choice but for some, they're beyond the ability to do so.


• enjoying music lots: ukulele and new Martin guitar and trying to sing/learn songs
  


• getting strong and faster with the running.


• going out on dates.


• working on getting better sleep.

das it for today


I wish I had more to write. maybe I should just write like a maniac. My neighbor's f'dup relationship with her man had been driving me up the wall, thus the grappling with some people seem to be beyond the ability to make a decision that is good for them in their life. I've been trying to convince her to get help from the Women's Transition House. She finally did. At the same time she went to the police and her man has been arrested for criminal harasment. He's been arrested again today and is spending the night in jail. He needs to get his SHIT together. She needs to get her shit together too...so she's not feeling guilty or like the victim.

The whole situation is beyond my control and I think that is what bothers me about it. It reminds me of the break down of my mariage somehow--maybe just the people behaving stupidly part does.

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two days before my 42'nd bday MJ and FF Kick

going throught a phase where i prettmuch hate everything and nearly everyone.
Maybe I hate myself? what I hate in others is what I had in myself...lemme see
stupidity, weakness, fear, making bad choices, insecurity. could be something there.

feeling tired. very little makes me happy. my current friends are of the highest quality.
dropped some friends as they suck and weren't friends.

tomorrow is my nephew's 3rd birthday. That should be fun, no irony implied.

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Jan 09 -- aught' niner

Hanging out with a slut tonight. She is a greasy Whore, a pirate Whore. I'm telling her she has a whore's mouth....that she sneeds to go back to her island...whore Island. I'm going to punch her in the baby maker...right in the ovaries. (I don't even know what ovaries are) sorry dudes and dude-ets...have not posted for long time. been busy being alone.

What can I say that is new? not drawing so much, but playing the Ukulele TONNES! Rubber Ducky is my fave song to play right now. I am single. ditched a bitch that was wasting my time....well she's not really a bith...I do like her...nah...she was a bitch. She was stringing me along. it's over, its' good, it was the bets of times, when in rome.

Kicking up my running more. I'm now training 6 days a week and loving it.

I'm looking for a gal who wants to be silly with me and who wants to "do it".

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