NO!

There was a gal I was involved with in a fucked up way -- I was her substitute boy friend while her real boyfriend was away flying helicopters in northern BC. She was always in the friends box for me...people talked, assumed. She made overtures. I played dumb. Time passed, more time together, dangerous crawling into various beds. After she told me it was over with her and her man we got involved.


She lied. She hadn't broken up with him. She had failed to tell any of her friends including her best friend? I got the sense that he has all her friends on strings, and she doesn't actually like her friends. She tolerates their company until she tires of them. She was also seeing someone else the time we were inolved. Everyone who saw us together emphatically stated how 'pefect we are for eachother' She was a perfect manipulator and my esteem was low and I let her. She went to Spain, got engaged to her boy friend, I ended it. told her no contact. Everythig's going her way and i'm happy for her. I'm not angry, not trying to punish her or prove anything. That relationship is simply of no use to me other that what I learned from the experience. Apparently they've broken up again. he's moved out. our mutual friend, my friend tells me she's carrying a fucking torch for me? I'm not going to get involved: she lied, she's a manipulator, I don't trust her, she charmed my friends, I'd be going backwards in my personal development. I don't want to go back to drinking botles of wine til 4 in the morning, not sleeping in bed and getting up at 7 so I can go to work or go for a run. I have a choice in the matter. Even if my reasons are invalid or can be argued away. I don't have to do it. NO!

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Attempting creativity today

Went to my fave coffee shop to do some doodling. Too many people. could not get a table inside also forgot my bike lock. Went home and scanned the last six months of sketches...not very many


Sketches Feb-Sept 09

Other plans for today: going to try and records something. we'll see how that goes.

Crypes. friends are telling me that someone is single and that I should get back with them or at least talk to them.

no

It's lunch time and I haven't eaten. I'm going to make a sandwich then play some music.

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hoppen in the sac too quick ? good Idea : bad idea

just going to start writing. Spent the night with the family. Ate a little too much, felt rushed when I left but I didn't want to stay there all night. Wanted an early night as i'm running aging tomorrow: 2 hours ...half marathon training.


I have this habit of not falling asleep untill midnight. Not feeling tired at the moment...well maybe a little. I'm feeling like I should write about something.

I joined a kind of dating club: 4plus4. a Dinner club really. been out for 2 dinners so far. observations:

lots of people seem quite socially inept. The come across that way. They seem impolite, don't know how to converse with strangers.

I'm beeing matched with people that are my own age (42 at the moment) and they seem old: divorced, kids (in their 20's), mortgage, car, average golf game. I just don't relate to them in the same way. I don't own a car or TV and have no interest in either. I 'should' be in the same place as them by now but i'm not. They are different from me. doesn't mean I can't find someone i'm interested in. so for that's not the case. I think i'd be more comfortable with someone younger who has not had that part of their life yet.

I've dated a couple of gals. I get a sense that their only too willing to hop in the sac without really getting to know me at all. Am I being to cautious? am I thinking about this shit too much. Well, It's how i'm choosing to do it now. Problem is when it comes to sex/getting physical I have a hard time initially. I know I want to, and it could be good but it likely can be that way with anyone. And it could lead to a realationship I don't want. some times I do think: man Trish should just have been the gal I was involved with, lived with and I never should have married her. She didn't seem that into me. hind-site is 20-20: I didn't trust my intuition.

people seem to hope into the sac too quickly. That's how I feel. I also think I have a hard time asking the real important questions and go on assumption or my own imagination.

for now my plan is to meet people, practice getting to know them, try asking the hard questions, play music, run, work, eat and sleep.

das it for now.

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